Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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