Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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