Cold hands, warm shart.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
