I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
