I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
