you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
