i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we're so committed to being not committed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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