I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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