So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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