He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Alive.
So much puke
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
