so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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