i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
