Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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