I am puke
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
