3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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