I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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