I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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