i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
