Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize