that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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