For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
