Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
