i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
