so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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