I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
