when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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