roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
