I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
