Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
