My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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