You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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