If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
