did you get engaged???
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
