I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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