just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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