Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
