Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
