3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Someone came in the potted fern
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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