it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
