Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
