Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
