Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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