Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize