i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
