I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
