please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
