Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
