What tipped you off? The sombrero?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
