It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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