Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
