after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize