I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
