He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
