My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
