Tell her she can't have a vagina
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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