yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My bed smells like the plague
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
