D3 body, D1 cock
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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