I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
