First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
